In society today, mediocrity rules, and conventions of conformity reign. We need to tell our children to be the best they can be, and to cast off all those who would put them down for their excellent abilities and try to browbeat them into the unconscious crowd mentality.
In my day, the expected standard was that boys were simply better at math. The idea was a given. As a kid, I “bought” this idea and did not even strive to get straight A’s- far from it – yet, I excelled at language applications of all kinds. Today, I find that I have excellent practical math skills, as a quilter. What we tell children is important as they will live up to our expectations.
A happy line drawing depicts carefree children fishing, their dog helping. From Just for Fun: 98 Olde Redwork Designs by Patricia Lynne Grace Cummings (2003).
When someone is young, he or she is exposed to the world, little by little, although if you watch the news, your understanding of the experience of childhood may be altered considerably. Dancing contests for girls, complete with adult makeup and beyond-their-years attire, may have contributed to at least one death.
Adults seem to want their children to grow up too fast these days. Juxtaposed against the extant embroidered depictions, designs for outline stitch embroidery, and paintings of children in other centuries, that show children at play, it seems that America is dead-set on not letting children have a childhood.
My grandson, Patrick, playing at the beach. “Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives.”
Today, the expectations of parents and society for children are high. They must excel at everything they do, from soccer to academic grades to music. If a child is “smart,” it is felt that they need no extra help or encouragement as they will be able to fend for themselves. Most schools have special classes for “special needs” children, yet many schools do not address adequately the situation of a kid being “gifted.” Emotionally, the “gifted child” may need even more support than you might think.
One teacher’s assistant once told me that she felt “intimidated” by my son because he was so “smart.” A professional assessed him as being able to comprehend written materials at a 7th or 8th grade level, when he was only four years old. At the same time, he could discuss what was on the news, including the Carter/Iranian Crisis. Yes, what does a school do with such a precocious child?
Sometimes, a devised answer seems to be just to place the child in a class ahead of his, thereby positioning the individual with children who are larger physically, and sometimes, more wised up. At other times, as in my son’s (second) school, he participated in a “pull out” program, once a week, where a spectacle was made of him physically leaving the class, along with a few other select kids, when he was in the sixth grade. This is when “being gifted” begins to feel like a disability, and school like a curse.
As one progresses through school, it often becomes apparent who are the most well-liked children. Usually, at least in my experience, those kids seemed to be the cheerleaders and young men who went out for sports, or the children of affluent people who wear the nicest clothes and have the best family vacations.
The looming question for children is what they want to “be” when they grow up. Who knows the answer to that question, even at age 18? There are no active directives in place, as one goes through school. At least I never received much help in that direction.
Pat as a senior in high school
I remember visiting the office of the high school Guidance Counselor in the 1960s. Instead of opening up possibilities of career choices, she told me that I could be 1) a nurse (no, thanks!), or 2) a teacher. However, she admonished, I could not consider being an airline stewardess because I am not pretty enough. (I never even mentioned that hope.) The remark still strikes me as odd.
Not being pretty, in her eyes, consisted of the fact that I am almost 5’8″ – tall for a girl, at the time. Ultimately, I opted to become a teacher, a characteristic I’ve carried with me through life, formally and informally. Ironically, the skill I have used the most is typing, learned in a one credit class at the University, on an old Royal typewriter.
We give all kinds of strange messages to our children. “Clean your plate” is one of them. Of course, in addition to that demand, I was constantly reminded of the starving Armenians and made to feel guilty if I did not absolutely eat everything served on my plate.
In fact, repulsed by the sight of hamburger, knowing it was ground cow, I refused to eat it one night, and was made to sit at the table until I feel asleep in my plate, after midnight. I could be stubborn. I wonder if the weight problems of America are the result of people having been forced to be members of the Clean Plate Club.
It is important to speak with children about physical changes they will undergo, and about having relationships within the greater context of love. Encourage them to avoid casual encounters that carry no real commitment on the part of either party. Discussing long term goals is a good thing to do, but events in the present should be addressed, as well. All too soon, children grow up and have their own children. No doubt they will take the best and the worst of our parenting skills with them. As with any skill, parenting can be improved (even as that role changes).
My one child is grown now and has two children of his own. Like himself, he has an extremely intelligent wife who is a loving and responsible parent. I feel blessed to know that the family is striving hard to meet their goals, personally and professionally.
Due to distance, I see them infrequently, but it is always a joy to realize how much my grandchildren have grown in the meantime. Photos calls, and the Internet keep us up to date.
“Take joy,” as Tasha Tudor often said. Take joy in every day. Each is a gift.
Patrick loves his little sister who was born in July 2009. To quote the Bible: “… and the greatest of these is love.”
Photos courtesy of Rebecca Gorham’s site.
P.S. My son, James Gorham, is a doctoral candidate in the English Department at the University of Rhode Island. Rebecca Gorham earned a degree in Economics from Smith College and works for a pharmaceutical company as a financial analyst.
Grandma Pat – 2009 – who sometimes reverts to the role of a clown, whenever it pleases her.
Patricia Cummings
Quilter’s Muse Publications
