Here are a few tips on how to spot a true Yankee, that is, someone from northern New England, say, New Hampshire, Vermont, or Maine, preferably a born and bred native. If you are not already a true Yankee, consider this: too many years are required to “become” one, and by that time, you’d be dead. So, if that is your situation, adjust to your status of “newcomer.” Whether you’ve lived here ten years or forty, newcomer you will be.
A true Yankee has some, but perhaps not all, of the following characteristics:
1) He wears his pants too short. This may be a habit with roots in childhood. Having short pants could be advantageous when walking through a cow pasture, for example, and could help dear old Mom cut down on laundry time, hauling water from the pump and heating it to wash clothes, or else beating the clothes on the rocks of a nearby stream. Ah, but now, I do exaggerate!
2) The true Yankee, always wears a hat on his head, except in the House of the Lord. The hat is to hide a balding head or the lack of a haircut, and the hat is ceremoniously removed when a person is desirous of a senior citizen discount at a local fast-food eatery.
3) We northern New England Yankees have heard of them there Ivy League schools, and we know that the folks in Texas, for example, think we have ALL gone to either Harvard, Yale, or Smith. The fact is, most of us haven’t. The only “ivy” with which we have much experience is that “poison ivy” growing in the backyard.
4) Now, you may have heard that Yankees are “cheap.” I want you to know that the word is a total misnomer, yes, completely misleading. We are “selective spenders.” There is a difference. A certain relative of ours prefers to substitute the word “frugal” for “cheap,” when it comes to her spending habits. We reserve the word “cheap” for paid “ladies of the night,” and sleazy motels with bedbugs.
5) Yankees enjoy the simple pleasures of life…like ignoring the neighbors! Oh, yes, they may be nice people. We will never know. We “tend to our own knitting,” and nothing would be more obnoxious than to constantly have our lives interrupted by someone dropping in for a spot of tea. Anti-social, we are not…well, maybe a tad. Perhaps, I should say we are “busy” – sounds more friendly.
There you have it, a few tips on how to spot a Yankee. Look for the too-short pants, the white socks (health is a BIG concern), the balding head with hat, or not, the indecisive penny-pincher who lingers over items in the store, weighing and balancing and counting change, and the neighbor who waves, but quickly goes inside.
We are a friendly bunch…just don’t push the issue.
Patricia Cummings, born and raised in the Granite State 
